About Me: A Child of Divorce, Now a Divorce Coach

A Family Vacation That Wasn't

In the summer of 2024, I took a month-long trip to the Big Island of Hawaii with my family. It's the tropical paradise where I spent my childhood and where my father still lives. My mom, who has since moved to North Carolina to be closer to us, also decided to visit the island during this time.

Thirty days in paradise, without work, two grandkids in tow, and nothing but time to enjoy nature and being with family. It should have been perfect. And yet...

Over the course of this month, my parents, who divorced 26 years ago in this very place, didn't speak or see each other even once.

The Lingering Effects of Divorce

At 41 years old, I found myself once again in the middle of my parents' unresolved conflict. They've barely spoken to one another since the divorce, and I was left wondering who I should include (and who I shouldn't) when we went to the beach, out to eat, or on a nice day trip.

My parents split when I was 16. As a child of divorce, I've long held onto a hope that someday, when they've healed and moved on from their pain, I'd again be able to sit down with both of them, at ease in their presence, talk about my life, and hear stories I'd long forgotten about my own childhood.

Unfulfilled Hopes

When I had children, I thought that grandkids might be the catalyst that finally brought my parents back together, at least to have a cordial relationship. I imagined them both joining us for holidays and special occasions, doting on our girls and sharing stories about what daddy was like as a kid.

This trip to Hawaii seemed like the perfect opportunity to finally bridge the divide and create new memories as a family spanning three generations.

But it didn't happen.

The Reality of Long-Term Separation

Twenty-six years later, my parents still don't talk to one another. They don't coordinate their visits, and because they aren't comfortable in one another's presence, it's awkward to have them in the same place at the same time.

When they both unexpectedly joined me for my 41st birthday last year, it was tremendously uncomfortable. Instead of feeling joyful and relaxed, I found myself anxious and nervous, wondering how they would interact and burdened by my own pent-up expectations.

It feels like I lost both of my parents to divorce.

Nobody died, but in the years following their separation, there was no reconciliation. From that point forward, seeing my parents together became a source of angst and discomfort rather than ease and comfort.

It Didn't Have to Be This Way

Contrary to what you might think, my parents didn't have a high-conflict divorce. They didn't end up in court. The marriage didn't end due to infidelity. There was no substance abuse or domestic violence. They even mediated their separation agreement.

Like many marriages that end in divorce, however, there was ongoing miscommunication and resentment. And like many divorces, the ineffective communication strategies and emotionally reactive behaviors that defined the later years of the marriage carried over into the divorce process, making it a difficult experience for everyone involved.

My Mission as a Divorce Coach

As a divorce coach, one of my deepest desires is to help individuals chart a new direction right here, right now, while the divorce is happening. I want to help men, particularly those with children, to:

1. Define what they see as the 'best possible divorce' for themselves and their families.

2. Envision what they want their lives to look and feel like 5 years from now, and understand what needs to happen today to make that future a reality.

3. Better understand the challenges that plagued their marriage, and recognize their own contributions to those problems, so they don't repeat the same mistakes in future relationships.

4. Communicate more effectively—with their ex-spouse, children, and divorce team—to experience a more amicable divorce, clearly advocate for their needs and interests, and learn new strategies to productively deal with tension and conflict.

A Better Future Is Possible

No child should lose their family to divorce. As someone who has lived through this experience, I'm committed to helping you navigate your divorce in a way that preserves your family bonds, even as they change. Together, we can work towards a future where your children don't have to choose sides or manage their parents' emotions, but instead can enjoy the love and support of both parents, even if they're no longer together.

Your divorce doesn't have to define your family's future. Let's work together to create a new narrative—one of healing, growth, and resilience.