How Understanding Attachment Styles Saved My Marriage (And Could Save Yours)
One of my best friends would always talk about the challenges in his relationship caused by his and his girlfriend’s attachment styles (anxious and avoidant).
I listened and enjoyed hearing about how he was digging into his behavioral patterns and working to address this recurring dynamic in his relationship.
And yet…
I never once stopped to ask, 'What's MY attachment style?'
Nor did I get curious about what attachment style-driven patterns of behaviors might be showing up in my own marriage, which had seen better days.
Not having ever read a book on or done much studying up about attachment styles, my (limited) understanding at the time went something like this:
Some people have a great early childhood experience–their parents are attentive and emotionally available and they end up experiencing secure attachment.
The rest of us who grew up with inattentive and emotionally unavailable parents didn't get that experience–and so we fall somewhere on the spectrum between anxious and avoidant when it comes to relationships.
Too bad.
The Wake-Up Call
It wasn't until later, when my marriage was in full blown crisis, that I became aware of a recurring (and unhelpful) dynamic between my wife and I.
I spoke to a close friend of mine (an emotionally-focused couples therapist) and she helped me to see that what I was observing was what I now know is called the Core Pattern, which exists in most relationships and is driven by each partner's attachment style.
She recommended I do some individual therapy work to better understand my half of this dynamic, which I promptly signed up for.
My therapist had me take an Attachment Style Quiz and in one of our very first meetings showed me a video that described the ongoing dynamic in my marriage in perfect detail.
He also had me read the book 'How We Love' to better understand my attachment style and (after asking my wife to also take the attachment style quiz) to read up on the details of the core pattern that existed between us.
I won't trouble you with the details of my marital problems here, but suffice it to say that understanding our attachment styles and why we were so caught in recurring and unhelpful patterns of behavior was the thing that broke the logjam in our marriage and allowed us to reconcile and repair our relationship.
Key Concepts to Know
There are a few key concepts I've learned along the way that I think you should know about:
Secure attachment (as described in the book 'How We Love') is what you experience when you share your emotional discomfort with another person (i.e., your parents or caregivers) and that person responds by holding space for you, helps you to really express what it is that's going on for you, and allows you to feel some emotional relief by having shared and been heard, seen, and understood.
Many of us did not experience this as children because our parents were physically or emotionally unavailable. We almost certainly tried (unsuccessfully) to share our emotional distress and, depending on how our parents (or caregivers) responded, that imprinted on us a way of dealing with our own emotional discomfort.
There are several different ways of defining attachment styles and in the book 'How We Love' they offer six distinct styles (what they call 'love styles'): The Avoider, The Pleaser, The Vacillator, The Victim, The Controller, and The Secure Connector.
When two people are in an intimate relationship (and are unaware of their attachment styles) there tends to exist a Core Pattern of recurring, unconscious behavior between them.
Understanding your attachment style and Core Pattern creates tremendous opportunity to interact differently with your partner and bring an end to recurring, unhelpful interactions.
Although it's true that your attachment style will continue to influence your behavior in relationships, it's not true that just because you didn't have the experience of secure attachment as a child that you never will.
In fact, in 'How We Love' the authors explain that one of the primary goals in a mature adult relationship is to provide a sense of secure attachment for one another NOW–an experience you may not ever have had as a child.
The Challenge (and Reward) of Change
Learning to bring forward and express your emotional discomfort with your partner is a journey in itself and will challenge you greatly–because it's the way that you tend to respond when you're feeling stressed and upset that is often the issue in the relationship. This means you'll need to practice a new way of responding to stress precisely when things are at their worst and you're just wanting to do what you've always done to get emotional relief.
This work is not for the faint of heart!
But it's totally worth doing.
How do I know?
Because awareness of our Core Pattern saved my marriage.
Before we knew that we were acting a certain way based on our attachment styles and that our recurring patterns of interaction (which frequently left us feeling frustrated and questioning whether we were compatible anymore) was based on our core pattern, we just thought the other person was being selfish, inconsiderate, and unloving.
But once we could identify these behaviors and dynamics–and more importantly, once we were able to have compassion for one another's early childhood experiences that imprinted us with our particular attachment style–we had more compassion and grace for one another and saw our problems now as an opportunity to grow and heal together.
We quickly shifted from seeing each other as adversaries to seeing one another as comrades.
And that has made all the difference in our marriage.
Taking Action: Your Next Steps
If you're dealing with recurring issues in your relationship (or find that your relationships continue to end in a similar fashion) and you want to learn more about attachment styles, here's what I recommend:
Take the Love Style Quiz at howwelove.com and read the report on your type (if you have more than one high score read the reports for each of your top types).
Reflect back on your current/past relationships and think specifically about how you tend to respond when things feel tough and you experience stress–do you find that you tend to withdraw? Seek reassurance and connection? Blame and complain? Take control? Take note of anything in your Love Style report that feels particularly accurate.
If you're in a relationship, ask your partner to take the quiz so that you can read up on the core pattern that may exist between you.
Then, get a copy of How We Love and read the initial chapters on each attachment style, what secure attachment is, and the core pattern that exists between you and your partner.
If you wish to dig deeper, consider individuals or couples therapy with an emotion-focused therapist (EFT), which is a type of therapy that is inherently based in attachment theory. You can find a local therapist in your area at psychologytoday.com
Lastly, drop me a note at james@innerstate.life and let me know what you learned–I love hearing from other men who are doing this important work and leading their partners into a greater depth of intimacy and connection.
Remember, understanding your attachment style isn't just about fixing problems–it's about creating a deeper, more fulfilling relationship. It's a journey, but one that's absolutely worth taking!
