3 Reasons You Should Consider Doing Discernment Counseling Even If You DON'T Want To Save Your Relationship
As a men's life and relationship coach, I've seen countless men grappling with a painful dilemma: stay in an unfulfilling marriage or face the daunting prospect of divorce.
If you're reading this, chances are you're caught in this very predicament.
You're successful in your career, but your personal life feels like it's crumbling.
The thought of breaking apart your family and potentially hurting your children weighs heavily on you, yet the idea of remaining in an unhappy relationship seems equally unbearable.
You might be surprised to learn that there's a powerful tool that can help you navigate this challenging crossroads, even if you're leaning towards ending your marriage.
It's called discernment counseling, and today, I want to share three compelling reasons why you should consider it – even if saving your relationship isn't your primary goal.
What is Discernment Counseling?
Before we dive into the reasons, let's clarify what discernment counseling is and isn't. Unlike traditional couples therapy, which aims to repair the relationship, discernment counseling has a different purpose. It's a short-term process (usually 1-5 sessions) designed to help couples:
Gain clarity on their marital problems
Understand each partner's contribution to these issues
Make a confident decision about the future of their relationship
The outcome isn't necessarily reconciliation. Instead, couples typically choose one of three paths: staying in the marriage as-is, pursuing divorce, or committing to six months of intensive couples therapy.
Now, let's explore why this process can be invaluable, even if you're leaning towards divorce.
Reason 1: Getting on the Same Page About Marital Problems
Picture this scenario: You've been contemplating divorce for months, maybe even years. You've analyzed your relationship from every angle, and you're emotionally prepared to move on. But when you finally broach the subject with your spouse, they're blindsided. They had no idea things were this bad, and now they're reeling from shock and confusion.
This imbalance is more common than you might think. One partner often has a significant head start in processing the end of the relationship, while the other is left scrambling to catch up. This disparity can lead to a messy, prolonged, and emotionally charged divorce process.
Discernment counseling helps level the playing field. It provides a structured environment for both partners to:
Articulate their perception of the marital problems
Listen to their spouse's perspective without judgment
Develop a shared understanding of the issues at hand
Even if you're certain about wanting a divorce, this process can be invaluable. Why? Because when both partners clearly understand the reasons behind the relationship's breakdown, it sets the stage for a more amicable and efficient divorce process.
Your spouse may still be upset about the prospect of divorce, but they won't be grappling with the added burden of confusion about why it's happening. This clarity can help reduce emotional outbursts, minimize conflict, and pave the way for more productive negotiations during the divorce proceedings.
Reason 2: Recognizing Your Own Contribution to Marital Problems
It's human nature to point fingers when things go wrong, especially in a relationship. You might feel that your spouse is entirely to blame for the breakdown of your marriage. Or perhaps you've internalized all the guilt, believing you're solely responsible for the failure.
The truth, as is often the case, usually lies somewhere in the middle. Discernment counseling encourages both partners to take an honest look at their role in the relationship's challenges. This isn't about assigning blame; it's about fostering understanding and personal growth.
Here's why this matters, even if you're set on divorce:
It promotes humility: Recognizing your own mistakes can soften your approach during divorce proceedings, potentially reducing conflict.
It prevents villainization: When both partners acknowledge their contributions to the problems, it's harder to paint one person as the "bad guy." This can lead to a more balanced and fair divorce process.
It provides valuable lessons: Understanding your role in the relationship's breakdown can help you avoid similar patterns in future relationships.
It can ease guilt: If you've been carrying the weight of the relationship's failure on your shoulders, realizing that both partners contributed to the problems can be liberating.
Even if this process doesn't change your mind about divorce, it can dramatically change how you approach it. A divorce infused with mutual understanding and shared responsibility is likely to be less acrimonious and more constructive.
Reason 3: Reaching Alignment on the Relationship's Future
One of the most challenging aspects of divorce is when partners aren't on the same page about the relationship's future. If you're ready to move on, but your spouse is holding onto hope for reconciliation, it can lead to a protracted and painful divorce process.
Your spouse might stall proceedings, delay making decisions, or even refuse to engage in the process, all in the hope that you'll have a change of heart. This not only prolongs the emotional turmoil for both parties but can also significantly increase the financial cost of divorce.
Discernment counseling provides a structured way to address this misalignment. Through guided discussions and exercises, both partners can:
Express their true feelings about the relationship's future
Understand their spouse's perspective and readiness for divorce
Make an informed decision about whether to pursue reconciliation or separation
Even if you enter discernment counseling certain about wanting a divorce, the process can help your spouse come to terms with this reality. It provides them with a supportive environment to process their emotions and accept the impending change.
The result? A more streamlined divorce process where both partners are emotionally prepared to move forward. This alignment can lead to:
Faster resolution of divorce proceedings
Less emotional manipulation or stalling tactics
More cooperative negotiations on important matters like asset division and child custody
A stronger foundation for co-parenting, if children are involved
The Unexpected Benefits of Discernment Counseling
While the primary goal of discernment counseling isn't to save the relationship, it's worth noting that some couples do choose to work on their marriage after going through this process. The insights gained can sometimes reveal fixable issues or reignite a commitment to the relationship that one or both partners thought was lost.
However, even if divorce remains the chosen path, the benefits of discernment counseling extend far beyond the counseling room:
Smoother divorce proceedings: With both partners on the same page, divorces tend to be less contentious and more efficient.
Better co-parenting relationships: The mutual understanding and reduced animosity fostered by discernment counseling can lead to more effective co-parenting arrangements.
Emotional closure: The process provides a structured way to address unresolved issues, potentially offering emotional closure that can be elusive in a typical divorce.
Personal growth: The self-reflection encouraged in discernment counseling can lead to valuable personal insights, benefiting you in future relationships and other areas of life.
Reduced impact on children: When parents can navigate divorce with less conflict and more mutual respect, it significantly reduces the emotional toll on children.
Conclusion: A Tool for Clarity, Not Just Reconciliation
As you stand at this crossroads in your life, it's natural to feel overwhelmed and uncertain. Discernment counseling offers a pathway to clarity, regardless of the ultimate outcome of your relationship.
Remember, opting for discernment counseling doesn't mean you're committing to saving your marriage. Instead, it's a commitment to understanding – understanding the problems in your relationship, your role in those problems, and the best path forward for both you and your spouse.
Whether you ultimately choose to work on your marriage or proceed with divorce, the insights gained through discernment counseling can make the process smoother, more amicable, and ultimately more beneficial for everyone involved – including your children.
As you contemplate your next steps, consider giving discernment counseling a chance. It might just be the tool you need to navigate this challenging time with greater confidence and clarity.
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Are you grappling with a difficult decision about your relationship? Have you considered discernment counseling? I'd love to hear your thoughts or answer any questions you might have. Feel free to explore more of my blog posts or check out my services to see how I can support you during this challenging time.
